Spelling Bee To Decide Presidency?

(WC) - One hot topic in this year's presidential election has nothing to do with the candidates' policy positions. It is the question, "are the flaws in America's voting systems impediments to a constitutionally legal vote?"

RNC chairman Ed Gillespie responds with certainty, "absolutely not. As far as the older systems go, we proved that even the outdated punch-card machines in Florida can work, and now many states are even purchasing computerized touch-screen voting systems. I ask you: Can you get any more accurate than a computer?"

Many people disagree. Fletch Hancock, soon to be described as a "vicious, lying, anti-American 'librul' Democrat who's out to give our country away to homicidal Islamic terrorist fanatics who want to steal our freedoms and kill our children" by conservative talk radio host Sean Hannity, says we're at an impasse in American voting. "The old systems are too antiquated and the new systems are proving to have accidental and perhaps deliberate vulnerabilities. Both systems too readily fall prey to fraud."

Freelance investigative journalist Lynn Landes takes it even further. The situation is “insane,” says Lynn, who describes herself as “the foremost expert on [voting technology and security] in my profession. There is no reason for anyone to have any confidence in American democracy until the way we vote is fundamentally changed.” According to Landes, there is “absolutely” no chance for a fair election next year because of the serious flaws in voting equipment, especially electronic voting machines. As Landes sees it, the only legal vote is one marked directly by the voter.

To remedy the situation, the DNC's Terry McAuliffe suggests that the next presidential 's'election be decided by a spelling bee held between the two major candidates. "This would act as a value-based test of the contenders' intellectual skills."

"Nuthin' doin'," snapped white house press secretary Scott McClellen. "If we're going to have a substitute method of selection then we're going to level the playing field by using something more in line with both candidates' expertise," he insisted. "And as soon as we find something the president is good at, we'll let you know."

Not known for taking chances with the unexpected, George Bush is polishing up on his spelling skills. "He's doing better than we hoped," enthused Karl Rove. "He should be out of the monosyllabic words within a fortnight (don't worry George that means two whole weeks)." Republican officials have extended tentative agreement to a spelling bee as long as the answers can be submitted via Diebold touchscreens.

Meanwhile, Ralph Nader has suggested a triathlon between the two candidates, featuring a race with Corvairs, followed by a race with convertibles, then finishing with a helmet-less, rush-hour bicycle race through downtown Manhattan.

Clinton: "I'm Dead Too"

"What a maroon I was!"

Harlem, NY (WC) The office of Bill Clinton announced today that the former president has died after a grueling bout with Alzheimer's disease. An unidentified spokesman noted that so impressed was Mr. Clinton with the level of coverage and the degree of respect afforded Ronald Reagan after his death that he's decided to follow Reagan's example and die of the dreaded disease. When aides suggested that he first announce that he has the illness, Clinton wouldn't hear of it. "People felt sorry for him for having the disease, sure. But now everybody loves him since he actually died." Clinton marveled. "That's what life is all about."

Clinton is especially impressed with the fact that all the bad news in the world hadn't been able to touch President Bush the entire time America had been talking about Reagan. "I'm starting to wish that I thought of dying while I was still in office," he told The Weekly Canard. As Clinton watched jealously, Reagan's state funeral obscured the fact that death and torture are Bush's new American paradigm. He couldn't help but think what it would have done to hide an extra-marital affair: "And here I was lobbing bombs at Iraq and Sudanese aspirin factories to detract attention," he laughed good-naturedly.

He declared that the next time he's a resident of the white house, he'll know better. "Now I wonder if we can get Nancy Reagan to arrange my funeral?"