I'll Take 'Exit Strategies' For $100 Billion, Alex

WEEKLY NEWS RECAP

GLOBAL EDITION

FLAMING THE WORLD OF POLITICS

PUBLISHED CONTINUOUSLY SINCE THE FIRST ISSUE

May 8, 2004

ISSUE 24 $0.00

The Democratic Republic of Iraq (WC) - Operation Iraqi Freedom is not cooperating with the expectations of its authors and executors according to political analysts, military analysts, social analysts, and psychoanalysts. It's threatening to become a pesky thorn in the Bush administration's side, while tapping the resolve, morale, and commitment of our troops. Firm evidence of concern was the president's reaction to his latest war briefing. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source

close to the president said Bush was escorted out of the briefing room muttering, "9/11...war on terror...mission from God...unwavering resolve...stay the course." The source failed to explain how this behavior was inconsistent with the president's usual behavior, but a rumored sighting in Washington of Vice President Dick Cheney is widely regarded as proof that the administration is looking for a quick political conclusion.

Charles Heyman, senior defense analyst for Jane's Consultancy Group wrote in

the London Times, "It begins to look as though there is going to be a rather messy political solution to the whole affair, possibly brokered by the United Nations." And with the presidential election coming soon, many believe the time to talk openly about withdrawing is now, rather than later.

"Not that it has anything at all to do with the election itself per se," explained Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "But with an election for president coming up it's best for any transitional transitions to have already transpired before actually transitioning the transients in the oval office. Some may consider it a tangential concern, but it would really help ease the transition."

Perhaps the most telling sign that Operation Iraqi Freedom is a splintering wreck is that the main-

stream media in America are actually reporting stories that cast subtle hints of questions regarding the war's success, or lack thereof. Many in the neocon camp see the writing on the wall and are nervous about leaving the job half done, or worse, appearing to run away when the going gets tough. "We can't risk tarnishing America's image by pulling out too soon," remarked columnist

Charles Krauthammer, basking in the stellar image America apparently enjoys worldwide at the moment. "Are we going to do the same thing when we invade Syria and Iran?"

The day of true Iraqi liberation may be upon us regardless however. As Heyman says, "Expect to see an agreement where both sides can claim some sort of a victory, followed by a rather hasty withdrawal of coalition troops at some stage in the next six months."

"Expect...a rather hasty withdrawal"

Osama No Longer 'World's Most Hated Man'

(WC) - A new audio tape suggests that Osama bin Laden is dismayed by his loss of the title of the World's Most Hated Man, and he is planning a major terrorist attack to address the problem. This week the World's Most Hated Man title was taken by The Jackass With The Dumbass Smile On His Face. Foolishly posing for permanent records of his war crimes, he's ruined even the slimmest of chances that America may retain its last sliver of respect in the world. The Jackass has managed to earn the utmost contempt of people the world over, from Arabs, Asians, and Europeans, to people from the Americas. The only people not to be offended are neoconservative Americans, and the San People of the Kalahari, who have yet to hear of the scandal. President Bush was surprised and thankful at first, having dropped to number three on the Most Hated list. Then he realized he'd have to give another uncoached media interview. This time on "Ay-rab television answering the questions of evildoers."

Specialist Charles W. Graner, otherwise known as The Jackass With The Dumbass

Smile On His Face, is a target for his fellow soldiers as well. A number of them may be dead now as a result of the boiling rage and skyrocketing recruitment among Iraqi insurgents as a result of the scandal. Few seem to be happy with the World's Most Hated Woman either. Bumping Hillary Clinton to a distant number two comes Hillbilly Hero, 21-year-old Private Lynndie "G.I. Ho" England, of Ft. Ashby, W. Virginia.

Thought Of The Day
Our freedoms are not under attack from Saddam Hussein or the remnants of his Baathist party. Our freedoms are under attack by John Ashcroft. They are threatened by John Poindexter. They are trampled by Donald Rumsfeld. They are disdained by Dick Cheney. And they are not even understood by George W. Bush.
Dr. Robert Bowman, USAF Ret. Space & Security News