America Creates Time Warp

Earth (TWC) The United States has created the first verifiable time warp known to man, so far lasting from March 20, 2003 to March 20, 2006. To celebrate the feat, President Bush said he will declare victory, and he resolved to continue the War On Terrrr to bring to justice the dead men responsible for 9/11.

Some are already likening the momentous accomplishment to that of landing men on the moon, yet this is even more important and impressive. "We're likening this momentous accomplishment to that of landing men on the moon, yet this is even more important and impressive," explained White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

As reported on FOX News, converting a brutal dictatorship to a liberal democracy in a matter of weeks is a superior achievement to that of President Kennedy's committing the United States to landing men on the moon by the end of the 1960s. The inexplicably popular talk show host Sean Hannity agrees: "All the librulz did was say they'd do it. The librulz weren't even in office when the Republicans landed men on the moon. It was a Republican president who put us there, Richard M. Nixon, not a librul president. I challenge you. You show me a source that says the librulz were president when we landed on the moon. You won't find one."

For its part, the Democratic opposition moved to release a statement claiming they too supported Project Time Warp and they deserve just as much credit as the Republicans. Unless it turns out badly. Furthermore, at a press conference Hillary Clinton accused the president of not being serious enough about slowing time, and to prove she means business, she vowed to make time stop completely for a three day invasion of Iran.

Through its minions of far-sighted pundits, think tanks, and other reality makers, the Bush administration predicted a cakewalk that would only take a matter of weeks to take one of the most factionalized countries on the planet and nudge them into making nice by devastating them utterly. However, Pentagon officials knew that the limb-reduced family members surviving the invasion would refuse to show their appreciation lickety-split as the administration forecasted. So they started the time warp on the first day of the invasion and it will continue until the invaders are showered with flower pedals.

Such an investment in technology for the benefit of a distant country with funny looking dark skinned inhabitants may seem inexplicable to the average citizen, but it makes perfect sense to those big hearted few who know better.

"Dick just couldn't sleep at night knowing there was a peasant in an Iraqi marsh who couldn't vote," notes a tearful Lynn Cheney. "Don [Rumsfeld] couldn't either. They'd be up for hours weeping on the phone, declaring that gosh darn it, something must be done."

Notwithstanding the time warp and the purple-fingered freedom to choose being governed by an Iranian-tied fundamentalist Islamic regime and Sharia law, some critics charge that the price tag, initially predicted to be $70 billion and now rising over $300 billion is too much.

"Nonsense," lectured Condoleeza Rice. "The American people and the rest of the world should be thankful." When confronted with the idea that "the rest of the world" might not appreciate the cost/benefit ratio, such as half the population of Fallujah who lost their homes and are now living in tents, Rice patiently explained, "I really don't think Fallujah's residents mind losing their homes that much. In fact, I bet they're actually having fun living in tents. It's like camping!"

Proponents insist that the investment was worth it because there are future applications for time warp technology, some of them in our everyday lives. Tony Blair, who has been kept uncharacteristically in the loop on the endeavor, enthused about its great potential. "Just imagine: you want to slow time so a long, romantic evening with your wife lasts a bit longer? Lob a few bombs at your neighbor's house. Firebomb the entire neighborhood and Bob's your uncle!"

Meanwhile, the explosive insurgency that has been in its last throes since the spring of 2005 is now quite coincidentally segueing into the civil war that so many simple-minded war opponents stupidly predicted. In a recent briefing, President Bush was amazed to learn that these people hadn't been fighting amongst themselves like this before the liberation. Speaking to reporters through an interpreter he remarked, "You telling me someone was actually able to make these people live together and get along for 30 years? Wow! Maybe we can make him the new President of Iraq!"

Iran's Home Insurance Crisis

The rising price of insuring houses in Iran is reaching a state of crisis reports Ali Akashemi Rafsahmadanjanijad, the chief executive officer of Iran's leading home insurance company, Allahstate. Many factors are converging to create the looming crisis, but perhaps none surpass the impact of a plan to launch billions of dollars worth of explosives along with scores of thousands of soldiers, all with the aim of what the Pentagon euphemistically calls "crater generation".

"I may as well sell flood insurance to unemployed homeless people in New Orleans. It's that bad," lamented the hand-wringing Rafsahmadanjanijad.

An eavesdropping bystander couldn't contain himself however. "You think that's bad! Try being a security guard for Bushehr [nuclear power plant]! You want crisis? I'll give you crisis!"

In such a condition of desperate straits, one can hardly imagine a ray of light. Enter Osama bin Laden. Pointing out terribly lagging recruitment numbers experienced by the American military, he rubs his hands in eager anticipation. "With American troops stuck in Iraq, Afghanistan, and virtually every other country in the world, they're losing troops faster than a captured thief loses fingers. One more invasion of an Islamic country and my recruiting goals will be exceeded by orders of magnitude. Again."

As unremitting hopelessness descended upon the gathered people, another eavesdropping bystander named Eric chastened the group for being so down. "Always look on the bright side of life," he sang with a whistle.